The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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