i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
