It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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