He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
