census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
