I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
