you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Did I show you my penis last night?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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