I can text with my tongue
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
