I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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