When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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