i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
