I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
