Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
