I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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