just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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