First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
