you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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