Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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