woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
