One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
