peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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