Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
