Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
