just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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