let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
