why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
