I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
