I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
