What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
