How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
