im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
