i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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