He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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