fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
