I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
