smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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