You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
