But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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