some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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