I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
