im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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