On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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