i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
