clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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