I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
