tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
