the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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