she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
