If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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