Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
my poor anus
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
