i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
